To Catch a Thief

Prepare yourselves. You are about to experience a full-blown rant! That's right, I am going to pitch a huge hissy-fit right here and now! Are you ready? Have you battened down the hatches? Taken cover? Well, here it goes:

SOME JERK STOLE ONE OF MY CHECKS,FORGED MY NAME, AND STOLE $722 FROM MY BANK ACCOUNT!!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!!! THE LOUSY, LITTLE LEACH! IF HE CAN PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO "WASHING" A CHECK AND FORGING MY NAME, HE CAN PUT THE EFFORT INTO FINDING A JOB AND WORKING FOR HIS MONEY LIKE THE REST OF US POOR SLOBS!!!! I'VE WORKED TOO HARD TO GET BACK UP ON MY FEET FINANCIALLY TO HAVE SOME MORON MESS IT UP NOW!!!!! >:-( Okay, I'm better now; it felt good to get that off of my chest. You can't say I didn't warn you. ;-)

He obviously has talent and experience at this sort of thing. I'm sure he could find a job that would make use of his "skills". Let's see, a deceptive creep, with no moral convictions, that robs people blind. Yep, sounds like he's ready for a government job to me – I'm thinking as an IRS agent or a politician? ;-) Hmph, for all we know he may even be a bank president, considering that the check cleared really quickly. It took him only 3 days to get the check, cash it, and have it clear through Bank of America. Sooooo glad to see they're on the ball. GRRRRRRR!!!!!

The good news is that my credit union is going to replace the funds. I just have to fill out a police report; I'm currently waiting to hear back from them. Hopefully, we'll get this all settled soon. I have a new routing number, so BOZO can't get at my accounts again. Did I mentioned that he drained most of the money from BOTH my checking AND savings!? Oooooooooh......... >:-(

So, how did this happen? That's the mystery. I had my parents put the check in the mail on the evening of May 8th and it was cashed on the 11th and cleared on the 12th. So, it's possible someone broke into the drop box at the Post Office. Otherwise, it would have to be an inside job either at the Post Office or at the place where I originally sent the check. I saw a copy of the cleared check– it had the guy's name on it and a forgery of my signature on the bottom. It looks like he traced over what was left of my name after "washing" the check. It looked similar to my signature, but I could totally tell it wasn't – sometimes it pays to have an artist's eye.

Oooh, he'd better PRAY I don't meet up with him, right now. I'd like to beat him like a Piñata!!! Now, some of you may be saying that I'm not being very Christian right now. However, I can totally back up this fantasy biblically. Let me explain…

It says, "Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord." However, we are supposed to be the body of Christ; I just want to be the hands! ;-D Since we are supposed to lay hands on others, I would just like to lay my hands around this guy's neck! See? Totally justified. ;-D Mwahahahahahahah! };-D I mean, tee hee! 0;-D Okay, I may have some praying to do about this, but not as much praying as he's going to be doing if I...... oops! There I go again. ;-) If you hadn't noticed, I'm just a wee bit ticked off, so please take these comments with a grain of salt.

I SO hope the police catch that thief, and if they do, I want him to pay! (Forget the grain – take these comments with a whole handful of salt ;-D ) Since violence is clearly out of the question, I've thought of other ways the thief could be taught a lesson to my satisfaction. See if you agree with any of my suggestions, which are listed in no particular order.

1) The thief should be locked in a room that loudly plays nothing but Mariah Carey songs (the higher the notes the better).

2) He should be forced to walk a mile in my shoes – literally. Particularly, the highest heels I have that I only break out when I know I won't be standing a long time. On second thought, make that 3 miles on a 100˚+ day!

3) Okay, I suppose I should give some consideration to his soul. Therefore, let him be locked up in a room that blasts nothing but sermons all day and all night long. If he repents, even better! (Before anyone gets offended, notice I said above "teach him a lesson" not "punish").

4) Handcuff him, tie him up, shove him in the backseat (sitting upright and properly buckled in), and let my grandma take him on a road trip. I doubt he even makes it out of the city before my grandma's driving properly terrorizes him and causes him to sob like a little baby. Either that or he'll pray through and convert! ;-D She is SO going to get me one of these days for constantly picking on her driving. :-D She knows I do it though (as do a lot of other family members).

5) Tie him to a chair and force him to listen to ME sing! Then again, that might be deemed cruel and unusual punishment...

Well, I think I'm finally losing some steam. So what do you think? Do you have any other suggestions that you think should be considered in order to teach the guy a lesson should he get caught? The more creative the better. I'm all ears! ;-D