Liar, Liar!

Yesterday, I ran across an article on foxnews.com entitled "Liars Club Names the Top Lie of 2008". Did anyone even know there was a Liars Club? I thought maybe it was a story about Congress, but lo, and behold there is an actual Liars Club near Milwaukee (it really should be headquartered in Washington DC, though). Finally, a place where politicians, lawyers, fisherman, and orthodontists can come together! ;-) I know what you're thinking – orthodontists? Yeah, that's right, I said orthodontists. Let me explain:

When I was in the fourth grade, I had to get braces... oh, joy. My orthodontist said "You'll only have to wear them a couple of years." HA! That turned out to be a HUGE, FAT LIE! What followed was six years of misery and a mouth full of metal. The headgear...ack! The routine tightening of the braces...ouch! The rubber bands that practically tied my jaws together...what a pain! Hey, wait a second! You don't suppose my mom was in league with the orthodontist do you? They may have concocted that nasty little plan in order to keep my mouth shut! Can you say, conspiracy? ;-) Naw, she couldn't stand the man (or so I was told). ;-) Anyways, I digress...

You know what it took to finally get that fiendish metal out of my mouth? I went into the orthodontist's office in tenth grade during a routine visit and asked, "So, when do I get these things out?"

The doctor had the gall to look at me and ask, "Oh, you want them out? Well, let's schedule an appointment."

"WHAT!!!!!!!!??????" is what I was thinking. Can you believe that? What did he think, that I wanted to wear the stupid things forever? I'm sure he would have been fine with that arrangement since he was getting paid all that time. But why did I have to ask to get them off? Why didn't he tell me I could get them off earlier? I'll tell you why... because HE WAS A CROOK! A CROOK, YOU HEAR ME!!!!!!

Phew! Ok, sorry, I had to get that off my chest. No,no I don't have any hard feelings at all... Hey, does that statement qualify me for membership in the Liars Club? :-) Ah, yes, the Liars Club – back to my original reason for writing this blog post. A club where the goal of the members is to be the best liar. Wow. What a worthy cause. Because you know, there aren't nearly enough liars in the world or anything...

I swear they'll start a club for anything or anyone nowadays. Well, what about a club for survivors of orthodontia? Where's that club!? Huh? HUH? WHERE'S THAT ONE!? Okay, I think I'd better go try to relax and take my mind off the past. Can somebody pass the chocolate and the Dr. Pepper!?

Oh, by the way, if anyone's interested, here's the address for that article I read: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,477045,00.html

Enjoy! :-D

What Nascar Drivers Do When They Retire

Okay, I am not a Nascar fan by any means, but I think I've figured out what they do when they retire... they become city bus drivers! Good gravy! Those who have read my previous blogs will know all about the fact that I am now riding the bus in an effort to save money. Well, little did I know when I made the switch to the bus just how exciting it would be! I thought, "Okay, I'm sure the other passengers will make some trips interesting" (I have ridden the bus before after all), but I did not expect the drivers themselves to spice up what would otherwise be a monotonous ride. Sure, you have your safe drivers, but then you get the ones like today...yikes! They're the ones that you had better find your seat quick or else you're going to be flying down the aisle as he or she puts the pedal to the metal! Although that can make for some interesting introductions to your fellow passengers.

Today the driver had plenty of lead in his foot as he barreled through red lights, whipped around corners, and stomped on the brakes. For a moment, I almost forgot I was on the bus and not on some thrill ride at Six Flags Magic Mountain! Actually, at one point as he sped around a corner I felt like throwing my hands up in the air and going, "Weeeeeeeeeeee!". Yeah, that would have gone over real well. I could just see that appearing on the local news: "And today transit authorities transported a passenger to the local psych ward for going wee, wee, wee all the way home!" It's pretty sad that the bus is the closest I'll get to an amusement park any time soon. Oh, well.

There are a couple of good things about riding with these insane drivers: 1) It's a great way to get your prayer time in and 2) I've almost got Psalm 23 memorized especially "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil..." Okay, so technically I've been getting the same benefits riding with my grandma. Hmmm... maybe she should put her experience to use and become a city bus driver. I've always thought her last name was secretly Andretti... I think she would fit right in!

In the meantime, if you're looking for a cheap thrill, ride the bus! It'll change your life (or at least your hair color). :-D

Starting the Year Off with a Bang!

It all started innocently enough. Last night was New Year's Eve and, being a Wednesday night, was also a church night. I had been pretty drowsy upon getting home from work and had almost konked out when I summoned the strength to get my rear in gear in order to get ready for church. Well, it being New Year's Eve I wanted to get into the mood so I dressed a little more festive. I actually got dolled up and everything! I did my hair all fancy in curls on top of my head, put on one of my new Christmas outfits, and slipped on the new fancy high heels.

Now I already knew I was treading dangerously when I chose to wear those shoes, so, to play it safe, I brought along a spare set of flats. My flats were even festive; they were a pair of slip-on flip-flop kind of shoes that lit up when I walked. I figured I could put them on after service when I went over to the shindig my friend Stephanie was having at her house. I knew we would be playing games, I just didn't know if we would be playing any that would require action, thus the flats. So, anyway, we went to the church service, and, before we knew it, it was time to go. I had made it safely through the entire service without biting the dust. Phew!

Well, Steph and I had to stop by the grocery store on the way to her house to pick up some things for the party and I still hadn't had the chance to change shoes. I thought surely I would be going down for sure then. We had to park quite a distance from the entrance and then, of course, you know how slippery those grocery store floors can be. There was just no chance that I was going to make it out of that situation without going down. Well, wouldn't you know it? I was wrong! I made it safely to Steph's house and was able to change my shoes without incident!

It was a fun evening; we pigged out on chips, turkey, pizza, brownies, candy, and soda (real nutritious, huh?) and played games up until the stroke of midnight. It wasn't too much longer afterwards that the remaining guests packed up and left. All that remained was me, Steph, and this couple that needed a ride home. So, everything was coming to a close when Steph needed me to follow her into the garage. That's when it happened; As I followed her with my ice cold cup of Sprite in hand, I reached the step that extends from her door to the garage floor, and, well, let's just say gravity had its way with me! I'm still not completely sure what happened. One moment I'm standing on the step and the next minute I'm doing a belly-flop on the cement floor with a shower of Sprite falling around us. I think I went to take a step forward and my shoes decided to stay behind causing me to trip over them. Yes, just call me Grace!

Let me just say, that belly-flops should be attempted in the pool and not on garage floors – just a helpful hint there. And also, I now know why they're really called flip-flops – they'll cause you to flip and then flop which is exactly what I did last night. Ouch! Luckily, I didn't break anything. The good Lord gave me plenty of padding (okay, some late night meals may have helped too). :-) See, sometimes it pays to be a bigger woman; one of those model types would have snapped like a twig with the amount of force I hit the ground with. :-) (Can't say that I can't find a silver lining.) I think I have sprained my ankle and wrist a bit, but that's nothing some ice, advil, and some bandages won't fix. Let's see, I have a wrist brace, but I can't find an ace bandage for my ankle. (My kingdom for an ace bandage!) Hmm... I know I have one around here somewhere...

Can you believe it though? I had survived a night of wearing high heels only to be taken down by flats, go figure. I wanted to start the new year off with a bang, but I didn't mean literally! Well, I hope everyone reading this has a Happy and SAFE New Year! Catch ya later! (Or, if you're in the vicinity, you might be catching ME later!) :-)